I’m excited.
And sad. Maybe more sad than excited. The past few weeks have been utter shit. I’ve hit rock botom and have never felt worse about myself.
I’m having a lot of trouble letting go and moving on. I hope that physically removing myself from this environment will help. On Sunday I’m going home.
I feel relieved that this job didn’t work out. Otherwise I’d have to find a way to live with myself as I am and I honestly am not sure I could. Or, I could, but then I’d never be happy.
At least when I go back to San Jose I can pretend to be someone else for a while. Figure out who I want to be. What I want to do. Without all the people with expectations and judgements and all these places that I associate with such painful and embarrassing memories.
I’m tired of trying to be something I’m not, trying to fit in somewhere I don’t, and beating myself up for it. I tired of pretending to like people who, at times, I honestly don’t think know me at all.
I’m tired of one-sided friendships and people who never call. If I loose some friends, so what? I have too many already and I don’t even like some of them all that much.
I’m hoping that the next four years of my life will be significantly better than the last. I want to be proud of myself again. I want to be confident and not care so much about what others think of me, and who I appear to be.
Mostly I want to be able to value myself so much that I won’t need anyone else. So that I can demand to be valued and respected by others and not settle for anything less.
“Women stick their necks out to say that something is fucked-up, hurtful, oppressive, scary: Misogynist. They do this knowing full well that there will be social consequences. Remarkably, we’re all familiar with the idea that the women who do this are bitches/ugly/humorless/scolds/delusional (“you see sexism everywhere”)/hysterical/oversensitive/insensitive/etc. We know that we take on most of the risk, in this conversation. We know that we have to be very careful in terms of what we say, and to whom; that we will be expected to choose our targets and our words very carefully, seem “understanding,” seem “empathetic,” make all the right allowances, be oh so very polite. We labor over our words, swallow our anger, push through our fear (and most women who bring themselves to make these kinds of statements are very afraid of reprisal; we know it happens, in overt and subtle ways, pretty much every time), construct these carefully tortured and worked-out sentences; we work at this shit.
And then, after all that work, some dude makes a joke about how we need some dick — not even a joke he’s had to work on, really; that line’s been around forever — and everybody laughs, and it’s over. We get no apology. We get no consideration. We get no hearing. We get nothing. What this exchange ultimately proves to women, every time it’s played out, is that no matter how hard we work, we will never matter. We will never be heard. It’s just the same fucking thing, every day, like a punch to the gut: You think you can change shit? You think I care how you feel? You think I care what you think? No. Never. You think it fucking matters that you don’t like what I do to you? It doesn’t. I’m gonna fucking do what I want to you. Sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and take it. Or else I’m gonna tell everyone what a bitch you are, that you won’t play my game. My very special game, that I designed. And here are the rules for the game: You Lose.
”
backleftlitz: “If Tegan and Sara Need Some Hard Dick, Hit Me Up!” - Sady Doyle
Even if you don’t say anything. If you just refrain from laughing, you get shit.
me: “omg that guy (random dude at bar) actually had the nerve to talk to me about women’s rights and just how far we’ve come. really!?!
bro: “you know what the best kind of woman is, the kind (blah blah something about a huge rack) and can’t talk
other bros: hahahahahaha
me: -_-
bro: “what? are these jokes going over your head? haha”
me: “no, i just didn’t think they were funny”
bro: *eyeroll* “ha! ok”. turns around and talk to someone else
So, I’m basically a dumb bitch.Because I don’t get hilarious and original jokes.
(Source: sadydoyle)
